Feeling Anxious!

This Wednesday is a big day for our family, as that is when I will have a surgical procedure done to stitch my cervix (more on that later.) I'm not feeling so anxious about the particular procedure as I am just about my pregnancy in general. I've come to the sad realization that I will never have a "normal" pregnancy. This weekend, my thoughts have been completely consumed (day and night!) by thinking about my "high-risk" pregnancy. You see, after my experience with Brecken, I assumed that in a future pregnancy it would be a "normal pregnancy" as long as I made it to full-term and had a healthy baby that didn't need to be hospitalized long term. I am now realizing that whether I make it full-term or not, my pregnancy will not be "normal." For one, I am having surgery on Wednesday and having surgery (although it's a low-risk procedure) is NOT normal during pregnancy. Two, I am labeled "high-risk" on every medical form out there, which is again not normal. Three, with my first pregnancy my cervix completely vanished without me having any idea. Therefore, this time around now that I just ended the first trimester, I will now be extremely nervous about every tiny little pain or new feeling. With every little pain or change, I will wonder...is that signs of pre-term labor, should I call my doctor, or are these just typical pregnancy aches and pains? Also, what if I end up on bedrest again? This time around I have another child to worry about and I won't be able to even lift him if I end up on bedrest. For these reasons, my pregnancy will not be "normal" no matter what the final outcome and for some reason that is making me extremely emotional. This weekend I have broke down in tears multiple times for no apparent reason (which I know is common in pregnancy but it's definitely exaggerated by all of these crazy thoughts and emotions regarding my high-risk pregnancy.)

Now back to my surgical procedure...this coming Wednesday, February 29, D.J. and I will head down to Abbott-Northwestern hospital in Minneapolis (same place I stayed for my 5 weeks of bedrest with Brecken), where a perinatologist (high-risk OB Dr) will stitch my cervix through a surgical procedure called cerclage. It's a same day procedure, so I should be home by the evening hours. I'll spare you any more medical details...if you really want to know more, just google "cerclage." I was initially thinking that I would be put under for this procedure, but I'm starting to think that I just misinterpreted the doctor. In one of my sleepless nights, I researched more on the Internet about the procedure, and I'm pretty sure that I will receive a spinal anesthetic but that I will still be awake, which would make me feel a lot better. People were getting freaked out when I told them that I'd be put under (which in turn made me quite nervous!) I have a final ultrasound/check tomorrow morning with the doctor that will be doing the surgery, so I'll get clarification then. Any way, back to the procedure. Again, I'm really not that nervous about the procedure. When they perform the surgery at this gestational stage, it is pretty low-risk. They of course had to warn us of the risks (they can cause an infection in the uterus or rupture my bag of water), but the chances of these things happening are very minimal, and I'm really not worried. Every doctor I've talked to has agreed that in my case the benefits FAR outweigh any risks, and I trust these doctors 110% . After all, this group of doctors is the one that made my contractions stop and kept me pregnant with Brecken for another 4.5 weeks after my hospital admittance. The only other sort of "risk" in the procedure it's possible that they may not get the stitch placed correctly, which means it wouldn't be effective at holding my "incompetent cervix" together to help me get closer to full-term. I will have a check-up one week after the procedure to make sure that the stitch is right where it is supposed to be, and I will be monitored very closely for the next several weeks as well.

Even though I have been extremely anxious about my pregnancy lately, I still do believe with all of my heart that God is in control which definitely brings me peace (it's just that sometimes my emotions get the best of me ;) We sang this song for closing at church today, and it was a great reminder that I need to quit worrying so much and just trust Him.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u_KPBrTerDM

Oh Lord my God in You I put my trust
Oh Lord my God in You I put my hope
Oh Lord my God in You I put my trust
Oh Lord my God in You I put my hope

CHORUS:
In You In You I find my peace
In You In You I find my strength
In You I live and move and breathe
Let everything I say and do
Be founded by my faith in You
I lift up holy hands and sing
Let the praises ring!

Well enough venting (I do feel better just expressing all of my emotions :) I better get to work. I have TONS of work to do for school...catch up on grading and finish writing 3.5 days worth of detailed sub plans for this week (I have to stay home with my feet up for a couple days following the procedure.)