Here is my post from last year when it was the one year anniversary:
One year ago today (Friday, August 21st) is when the craziness all began. Yes, one year ago today is when we went in for a 2nd ultrasound (just so they could get some more pictures of the baby’s spine because he was on his back the whole time in our first ultrasound). In this 2nd ultrasound, our moods quickly shifted from excitement and anticipation of seeing our baby again, to extreme confusion and worry. As we sat in the room watching the ultrasound tech, I started to feel that something was wrong when she started taking tons and tons of pictures. I kept thinking to myself…I thought they were just checking the spine (and also the heart because it is standard procedure to check the heart on ANY ultrasound.) As I was beginning to sense that something was wrong, I was assuming it was a problem that they saw with the baby (which would have been awful too), but as time went on, the tech finally said she was trying to contact my doctor because my cervix was very short. I thought to myself…hmmm, what does that mean? The tech of course wasn’t allowed to give us any more information, so we waited several minutes (very LONG minutes might I add) while the lady went in and out of the room and we sat wondering what in the world was going on. Eventually I couldn’t take the suspense any longer, and I told DJ to Google ‘short cervix’ on his phone. He did just that and his response was…. “I don’t think you want to know,” and right then is when the ultrasound gal walked back in the room. She put a phone call through to me from a triage nurse. I picked up the phone and then heard these awful words…“We need to you to head straight to the nearest hospital to keep this baby from coming.” My thoughts were…WHAT?!, I’m barely over half-way through my pregnancy (23 weeks exactly) and I feel TOTALLY fine!
As we walked out of the ultrasound place, I remember still feeling pretty calm at that point, but still not understanding how in the world they were so worried that this baby was coming, yet I didn’t feel a thing. We got in the car to head to the hospital, and I called my mom because I was supposed to be meeting her to go to a movie for one last summer outing before school started again for both of us. I called her (again still calm somehow) and told her I had just gotten done at the ultrasound and I explained to her what we had just found out.
My mom says, “What do you mean (that they have to keep the baby from coming)?”
I replied, “I don’t knowww”…and instantly burst into tears. This was the moment where my emotions finally started to catch up with me a little bit.
We headed over to Mercy Hospital, and DJ went in to see where we were supposed to even go (ER or labor/delivery). I stayed in the car and he comes out with a WHEELCHAIR. I thought this is SO CRAZY – I feel perfectly fine! We were only at Mercy Hospital about 20 min. They asked me a few questions and started an IV to hydrate me. Then they said they would be transferring me down to Abbott Northwestern Hospital, where they would likely stitch my cervix. I thought…ok, this sounds fine, we’ll go down there, they’ll do this little surgery, and then I’ll probably be sent home and on bed rest for the remainder of the pregnancy (not ideal, but manageable). I was still pretty calm and not too terribly worried because again, I wasn’t feeling a thing! NEVER did it occur to me that I was going to be STAYING in the hospital until I delivered!
We got in the ambulance and the paramedic says, “Yup, they want us to go Code 3 with lights and sirens.”
I responded, “Oh, what’s the highest code?”
He says, “Code 3.”
I think at that moment, my eyes popped out of my head because again, I just couldn’t understand why they were so concerned about me when I was feeling perfectly fine. Then I made some small talk with the paramedic, and I said something about this ride just being a transfer, so it should be fairly calm and easy. He (trying to be funny and lighten the mood) says, “Yeah, as long as everything goes as planned - You don’t want ME to be the first thing your baby sees - hahaha.” Let me tell you, that was NOT the thing to say to get me to laugh. I remember thinking…WHAT, you mean that could actually happen?! I think I was pretty speechless after his comment and my eyes probably popped out of my head for the 2nd time.
Then we finally got down to Abbott, and the nurse says, is this Laura? I thought…you’re kidding me, they already know my name and situation, this must be serious! It was down at Abbott that we learned I would stay IN THE HOSPITAL until I delivered (with the goal being to make it just 24 more hours to let the shot for baby’s lungs take effect – little did any of us know that I would spend the next MONTH there). At some point during the evening, I started having contractions, which just felt like a little lower back pain at that time. They loaded me up with TONS of medicines that made me absolutely MISERABLE. They told me I wasn’t even allowed to get up to go the bathroom, which I think is when I finally realized, “Ok, this IS serious!” Later on that evening, I vaguely remember one of the doctors or nurses telling us that there is no guarantee that they’ll resuscitate a baby born at 23 weeks. At this point, you would have thought I really would have freaked out, but I don’t think I was totally coherent anymore (thanks to all those lovely drugs.) The first 24-48 hours were probably a lot scarier for DJ and our families because I was just SOOOOO sick from all of the drugs that I couldn’t even fully comprehend the situation. The first week of my hospital stay was by far the worst because I had to be on such high doses of medicines to keep all of the contractions away. I was very HOT and felt as if I was shaking (more like jolting) uncontrollably, I wasn’t allowed to get up to go the bathroom (I’ll spare you the details of my bed pan and catheter, plus you probably all remember the stories about me needing raisins ;) I had horrible chest pains, and the world’s worst headache from having to lie angled down 24 hours a day except during meal times. I couldn’t sleep because my blood pressure cuff was automatically set to start up and take a reading every hour, plus the nurses would come in constantly to check all my vitals. I wasn’t allowed to shower, so my hair was washed into a garbage bag while lying in bed! It was NOT a fun few days to say the least, but I knew we needed to keep that baby in as long as possible.
The very first morning (Saturday) when I woke up at the hospital was definitely my weakest moment throughout this ENTIRE experience. I woke up to the sound of a baby crying after just being born, and I instantly started bawling. I remember thinking… that is what should be happening for us in DECEMBER and I should be able to hold that little baby in my arms after delivery. (I already knew at this point that it was almost certain that I would not go full-term and therefore our baby boy would have to be worked on immediately after being born in order for him to have any chance of survival.) Still to this day, I can’t watch a baby being born on TV without tearing up and having to change the channel. I just can’t help but think that I never got that moment which every mother longs for…holding your baby in your arms right after they are born. Throughout my labor/delivery (in between pushes), I would glance over at this nurse standing there with her arms stretched out holding a blanket. I knew that she would be running over to grab our baby right away, so she could take him to the doctors who were waiting in the adjoining room. I also have a hard time looking at Facebook pictures of people who just had babies, and I see them (and everyone in their family) holding the new baby at the hospital. I feel SOOO bad for our families who had to wait over 2 MONTHS to be able to hold Brecken for the first time!
On the other hand, every few weeks my eyes well up with tears…but these are tears of joy as I see our HEALTHY baby boy grinning ear to ear. I sometimes can’t help but think that he shouldn’t even be here, but through God’s gracious miracle, here he is laughing and smiling away J
One year ago today marked the start of a very difficult journey, and we are still so thankful that God arranged for that ultrasound at that specific time (I had scheduled it earlier than necessary “just so I wouldn’t have to take off of work.”) Without that ultrasound, I likely would have gone into labor (and possibly even delivered) AT HOME within the next HOURS and our story could have had a VERY different outcome. It was a long road, but our faith and trust in the Lord is what kept us going and helped us through the difficult time. Here we are one year later, with a perfectly healthy little boy that never stops smiling! WE ARE TRULY BLESSED and we appreciate our miracle baby SO much after this experience!
Thank you again to all of you for your prayers and support for our family during this past year!